On the back of last week’s door holding debacle, I find it highly unreasonable for the makers of Game of Thrones to expect me to give two strokes of a Sunday Morning wank about Bran. It would be fine if I actually understood what he was doing, but as far as I can tell he’s just goofily lying there and rolling his eyes back like a satiated dog. There seems to be no reason for him learning these skills other than it being a good hobby for a paraplegic. At no point as he considered that he’s wrecking everyone’s lives in the process. What a dick.
Well, to my disappointment, Bran and Meera have been rescued by a mysterious figure on horseback who likes to set his balls on fire and swing them at oncoming White Walkers. It’s extremely effective as you might expect. The added salt is abrasive to their skin and bones. It’s an action-packed opening that’s followed by an equally thrilling dinner sequence, where Samwell and his family talk about venison. Having prompted a xenophobic rant from his father by brining his Wildling girlfriend, Samwell vacates his childhood home, stealing a giant Valyrian steel sword that definitely won’t be of any use later on in the story.
Speaking of swords, Arya has suddenly remembered where she hid Needle. Things get a bit hairy after she refuses to kill that supposedly talented actress. Personally, I’m a fan of Richard E. Grant’s comedic shitting. Anyway, the Faceless people – and by people I mean Buffalo Bill and his diminutive lesbian servant – are now pursuing Arya for not seeing the job through. At the height of excitement in that story arc, we’re suddenly whisked to King’s Landing for something even more thrilling: Margaery Tyrell’s walk of atonement. It doesn’t happen. As is usually the way, God interrupts, manifesting his meddling self in the form of a wry smirk on the High Sparrow’s face. It’s at this point the makers realise that not a great deal has happened in the episode and reluctantly chuck Daenerys on the back of her dragon again. ‘That’s right, just roar at the camera and try not to look too computer generated.’
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