If you’re picking up the vague scent of warm meat, it’s probably because a Star Wars fan is fondling their genitals somewhere nearby. Yes, it’s been a whole year since The Force Awakens was released and now they’re getting excited about Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – the latest film in the franchise that’s actually set after episodes one, two and three, but before four, five and six. It’s episode three and a half. It’s quite simple.
Anyway, as is usually the case, we’ve been bombarded with teasers, trailers and TV spots, like a porn star in the middle of a bukakke. So I thought it might be a good idea to examine the remnants of material shot at our face and cum to some rash conclusions about what’s going to happen in the film. I mean come.
Of course, we already know what’s going to happen. A bunch of Rebels, led by Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones), are going to steal the plans to the Death Star and hand them to the Rebellion, who won’t actually do anything about it until after an entire planet has been destroyed in A New Hope. But we can still talk about Darth Vader’s role in the film and what kind of furry thing Warwick Davis is going to play this time.
There’s also Mads Mikkelsen’s character, which looks like one of the more intriguing aspects of the story. As well as being Jyn’s father, he also appears to be responsible for the construction of the Death Star. Presumably he has massive hands. In the international trailer, he tells his daughter that whatever he does, he does it to protect her. That includes building a moon-sized weapon that can wipe out entire star systems. It’ll be interesting to see how he explains that conflicting logic when they both go on The Jerry Springer Show.
Of even greater interest is the presence of a certain Kyber crystal. For those who aren’t aware, Kyber crystals are what Jedis ram down the urethra of their lightsabers to make them go ‘bazooommm’. If you have enough of them you can create a superweapon. Bearing that in mind, it doesn’t seem like the safest object for Jyn’s mother to place around her neck. I’m starting to think her parents have really got it in for her. Maybe they’ve learnt from the previous Star Wars films that all children are catastrophes waiting to happen, and the best course of action is to ensure they’re obliterated.
Speaking of obliteration, I fully expect to see Darth Vader cut down scores of Rebels like a lumberjack on crack. So far in the trailers, we’ve only seen him walk through a puff of smoke and demonstrate the size of his balls with his hand, but hopefully the rest of his screen time is dedicated to scenes of glorious genocide. Supposedly he has a stunt suit for this film, which implies he won’t be completely confined to turning his neck and shoulders like an arthritis-riddled ventriloquist dummy.
And judging by the amount of action in these trailers, he’ll need as much flexibility as possible. Rogue One certainly seems to emphasise the ‘war’ in Star Wars, affording no time for galactic taxation disputes or whatever the fuck The Phantom Menace was about. The only problem with all-out war is that it encourages people to throw around words like ‘hope’ and get delusional ideas about being able to take on an entire empire with a blind bloke with a stick. I suppose a certain amount of cheesy dialogue is necessary when you’re up against virtually impossible odds; I often come out with nervous bollocks on the phone when I’m waiting to get through to customer support.
First official teaser
Official trailer #2
Official international trailer
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is in UK cinemas December 15 (USA December 16).