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Where are all the Oscar nominations for Underworld: Blood Wars?

The vampire gore-orgy film was probably brilliant.

I have not seen Underworld: Blood Wars, but I am extremely surprised to see that it hasn’t been nominated for an Oscar of some sort. What could possibly be better than Kate Beckinsale, dressed in a dolphin skin-tight onesie, slaying scores of gimpy vampires or werewolves or whatever for a seventh time? There’s no way The Florida Project is more entertaining than that.

It surely at least deserves something for makeup or special effects. What about that bit where Beckinsale probably flicks up a machete with her stiletto and volleys it at some twat’s head, decapitating them at the point of their mouth so all that’s left is a blood-squirting chin? That was probably amazing.

And I’m sure it had some excellent character development in there. She probably has a whole conversation with Sean Bean, or whoever it is in the film, about how all the vampire killing is getting a bit tedious and that she wants to join the X-Men instead. Or something along those lines. I have not seen Underworld: Blood Wars, as I said.

It seems to me that films like this – ones that truly entertain people for reasons no one can satisfyingly explain – will never be acknowledged by The Academy. Just like Valerian and The Mummy. They probably deserve Oscars, too.

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