Jon Snow is definitely dead. Why wouldn\u2019t he be? He was killed over a year ago. His bloody, punctured corpse has been lying on the icy grounds of the Wall all this time, while we\u2019ve been carrying on with our lives. If he did survive that then he is almost certainly brain damaged. Not to mention smothered in twelve month\u2019s worth of excrement. It seems odd that no one has moved his body. It must really fucking stink. But all the speculation isn\u2019t about him BEING dead, is it? It\u2019s about him being resurrected. Whether or not we see that in episode one of season six I won\u2019t divulge. In any case, I was more concerned about remembering everyone\u2019s names.<\/p>\n
Not ruling out the possibility of mild amnesia, I stared rather blankly at Ser Davos Seaworth, trying to piece together how he ended up at the Wall. He\u2019s the first to discover Jon Snow\u2019s rigor mortis-stricken body, emphatically confirming the former Lord Commander\u2019s death by saying something along the lines of \u2018He\u2019s dead\u2019. The decision to kill him hasn\u2019t gone down too well with the other half of the Night\u2019s Watch. They\u2019re rather fond of the guy that can take on 12 White Walkers by himself. So naturally, the camp has been divided.<\/p>\n
But hang on, what about the redhead who keeps flashing her tits? Where\u2019s she in all this? The episode is named after her, after all. Well, her involvement is the major talking point of the episode, but it\u2019s not what you expect. Not even close.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, somewhere else, Reek and Sansa are still on the run. You\u2019d think with one less appendage Reek would be streamline enough to have got away by now, but I guess this is what he gets for bringing someone along who\u2019s wearing a long, puffy coat. Brienne of Tarth, who was able to film all of her scenes as Captain Phasma in Star Wars: The Force Awakens and nip back to her post in just thirteen minutes, is now ready to offer her services to the young Stark. Remember that storyline? Yeah, she\u2019s determined to protect her because she failed with Catelyn. Catelyn. That\u2019s the mother\u2019s name, apparently.<\/p>\n
At this point, I was practically ticking off the characters and locations as each one was visited in order of severity and likelihood of fanny. Where hadn\u2019t we been yet? Ah yes, Jaime and Cersei Lannister. They\u2019re quite pissed off about their daughter being murdered at the end of last season and it looks like they\u2019re going to unleash their incestrial rage on the Dornish as a result. I also wouldn\u2019t want to be the Sparrows after that whole strip and shame ordeal. I suspect hilarious, violent scenes are imminent.<\/p>\n
That brings us to Tyrion, who\u2019s rather lost for ideas after seeing Daenerys take off on her free airline \u2013 miserly bitch. She\u2019s now somewhere sunny and sandy, enjoying the company of yet more Dothrakis, many of which want to shove it up her arse. Basically, she\u2019s on holiday in Kavos.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s just enough time to see Arya Stark blind and penniless on the streets of Braavos \u2013 the\u00a0consequence of appearing in a couple of episodes of Doctor Who. It’s quite depressing seeing her grovelling on the floor, taking beatings from random members of the public as they mockingly yell ‘Exterminate! Exterminate!’ It’s just as well the episode ends on a happier note; with a shot of the Red Woman’s tits. They’re a bit droopier than last time, mind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"