![\"rogue-one-death-star-installment\"](\"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/Rogue-One-Death-Star-Installment.jpg\")
<\/p>\nIf you’re picking up the vague scent of warm meat, it’s probably because a Star Wars fan is fondling their genitals somewhere nearby. Yes, it’s been a whole year since The Force Awakens was released and now they’re getting excited about Rogue One: A Star Wars Story \u2013 the latest film in the franchise that’s actually set after episodes one, two and three, but before four, five and six. It’s episode three and a half. It’s quite simple. <\/p>\n
Anyway, as is usually the case, we’ve been bombarded with teasers, trailers and TV spots, like a porn star in the middle of a bukakke. So I thought it might be a good idea to examine the remnants of material shot at our face and cum to some rash conclusions about what’s going to happen in the film. I mean come. <\/p>\n
Of course, we already know what’s going to happen. A bunch of Rebels, led by Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones), are going to steal the plans to the Death Star and hand them to the Rebellion, who won\u2019t actually do anything about it until after an entire planet has been destroyed in A New Hope. But we can still talk about Darth Vader\u2019s role in the film and what kind of furry thing Warwick Davis is going to play this time. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
There\u2019s also Mads Mikkelsen\u2019s character, which looks like one of the more intriguing aspects of the story. As well as being Jyn\u2019s father, he also appears to be responsible for the construction of the Death Star. Presumably he has massive hands. In the international trailer, he tells his daughter that whatever he does, he does it to protect her. That includes building a moon-sized weapon that can wipe out entire star systems. It\u2019ll be interesting to see how he explains that conflicting logic when they both go on The Jerry Springer Show.<\/p>\n
Of even greater interest is the presence of a certain Kyber crystal<\/a>. For those who aren\u2019t aware, Kyber crystals<\/a> are what Jedis ram down the urethra of their lightsabers to make them go \u2018bazooommm\u2019. If you have enough of them you can create a superweapon. Bearing that in mind, it doesn\u2019t seem like the safest object for Jyn\u2019s mother to place around her neck. I\u2019m starting to think her parents have really got it in for her. Maybe they\u2019ve learnt from the previous Star Wars films that all children are catastrophes waiting to happen, and the best course of action is to ensure they\u2019re obliterated. <\/p>\n Speaking of obliteration, I fully expect to see Darth Vader cut down scores of Rebels like a lumberjack on crack. So far in the trailers, we\u2019ve only seen him walk through a puff of smoke and demonstrate the size of his balls with his hand, but hopefully the rest of his screen time is dedicated to scenes of glorious genocide. Supposedly he has a stunt suit for this film, which implies he won\u2019t be completely confined to turning his neck and shoulders like an arthritis-riddled ventriloquist dummy. <\/p>\n And judging by the amount of action in these trailers, he\u2019ll need as much flexibility as possible. Rogue One certainly seems to emphasise the \u2018war\u2019 in Star Wars, affording no time for galactic taxation disputes or whatever the fuck The Phantom Menace was about. The only problem with all-out war is that it encourages people to throw around words like \u2018hope\u2019 and get delusional ideas about being able to take on an entire empire with a blind bloke with a stick. I suppose a certain amount of cheesy dialogue is necessary when you\u2019re up against virtually impossible odds; I often come out with nervous bollocks on the phone when I\u2019m waiting to get through to customer support. <\/p>\n First official teaser <\/p>\n![\"prq3vstyznwzpgcc5uc4ny-650-80\"](\"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/PRq3vstYZnWZPgCC5uC4NY-650-80.jpg\")
<\/p>\n