{"id":2040,"date":"2016-11-17T14:37:56","date_gmt":"2016-11-17T14:37:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/?p=2040"},"modified":"2016-11-17T18:24:32","modified_gmt":"2016-11-17T18:24:32","slug":"fantastic-beasts-find-review","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/17\/fantastic-beasts-find-review\/","title":{"rendered":"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them review"},"content":{"rendered":"

When you own an intellectual property like Harry Potter, you\u2019re basically obligated to feed it to people until they throw up \u2013 and then feed them some more. I\u2019m sure that won\u2019t bother those of you who want to see the Fantastic Beasts cow milked until it looks like a rubber glove attached to the bottom of an ironing board, but basing a pentalogy around a book that\u2019s basically a Pok\u00e9dex presents certain issues. For instance, once that source material is exhausted, you have to endure a dull, messy and often incomprehensible story that only seems to pander to those who use their replica wands to pleasure themselves.<\/p>\n

Welcome back to J.K. Rowling\u2019s wizarding world!<\/p>\n

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, while sounding like a name for a wildly creative porno, is actually a Harry Potter spin-off, loosely based on Rowling\u2019s book of the same name. Set in 1926 New York, it follows Magizoologist Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne), who has a TARDIS suitcase filled with the sort of creatures your child draws and you reluctantly display on your fridge. Thanks to extreme levels of incompetence, he manages to let them all on the loose and then has to bumble around the Big Apple capturing them. Meanwhile, a dark and mysterious power, appropriately named an Obscurus, threatens wizards and \u201cNo-Majs\u201d (the American term for Muggles) alike. If you\u2019ve read that the way I intended, you\u2019ll now be thinking those two plots have absolutely nothing to do with each other. If so, you\u2019re right. Well done.<\/p>\n

Tying those two arcs together is complicated enough, but it doesn\u2019t help that Redmayne inaudibly mumbles throughout. For some reason he speaks out the side of his mouth like a stroke victim. Subsequently, I can only tell you the name of one of his beasts. The creatures being far from fantastic masses of CGI probably has something to do with it, too. There\u2019s nothing nearly as memorable as Fluffy, the basilisk, Aragog or even fucking Scabbers.<\/p>\n

And there\u2019s no use turning to the supporting characters to be dazzled; Wand Permit Officer Tina Goldstein (Katherine Waterston) borders on being unlikable, her mind reader sister Queenie (Alison Sudol) is ironically vacuous, and No-Maj Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler) is rotund and therefore meant to be hilarious. Colin Farrell manages to generate some menace as Magical Congress Auror Percival Graves, but look how annoying his title is. And you\u2019re still none the wiser about what he does. (For non-Potter heads, Aurors hunt dark wizards.)<\/p>\n

This being Rowling\u2019s first time penning a screenplay, she\u2019s due credit for establishing a darker tone. It\u2019s like when they released those adult covers for the Harry Potter books, so older readers didn\u2019t look like plebs reading them; it saves everyone over the age of twenty-one from embarrassment. But between her and director David Yates, they\u2019ve created a magical world that no kid will want to visit when they turn it into a theme park. New York looks like Gotham City on garbage collection day, and the magic itself seems to be missing a certain sparkle. In one scene, Newt invites Jacob into his suitcase (that\u2019s not a euphemism) and the CGI-heavy transitions are about as awe-inspiring as a firework plunged in wet sand. In comparison to the wonder of the Harry Potter series, Fantastic Beasts has the complete opposite effect. I can\u2019t think of a single thing I liked about this film. I\u2019d go as far to say I hated it.<\/p>\n

Merry Christmas.<\/p>\n

This review was written for www.geekfeed.com. You can find it here<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When you own an intellectual property like Harry Potter, you\u2019re basically obligated to feed it to people until they throw up \u2013 and then feed them some more…. Continue reading <\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2046,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[13,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2040","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-reviews","post_format-post-format-image"],"yoast_head":"\nFantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them review<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/17\/fantastic-beasts-find-review\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them review\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When you own an intellectual property like Harry Potter, you\u2019re basically obligated to feed it to people until they throw up \u2013 and then feed them some more.... 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