{"id":2122,"date":"2017-02-25T20:13:00","date_gmt":"2017-02-25T20:13:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/?p=2122"},"modified":"2017-02-25T20:22:03","modified_gmt":"2017-02-25T20:22:03","slug":"oscars-reviewed-theyve-even-happened","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/25\/oscars-reviewed-theyve-even-happened\/","title":{"rendered":"The Oscars reviewed before they&#8217;ve even happened"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The main talking point going into the 89th Academy Awards was <em>La La Land<\/em> being nominated for a record-levelling 14 Oscars, despite it being incredibly racist and self-indulgent and whatever else The Guardian said about it. But after tonight\u2019s ceremony there\u2019s only one story worth discussing and that\u2019s the alien invasion that took place half way through the show. <\/p>\n<p><em>La La Land<\/em> did in fact win Best Picture \u2013 I\u2019ll explain why that was correct decision in a minute \u2013 but the handing out of golden statues just doesn\u2019t seem as important as extra-terrestrials taking over the event. <\/p>\n<p>It started when this year\u2019s host, Jimmy Kimmel, took to the stage and immediately proceeded to tell everyone how much he hates Donald Trump. The esteemed audience cheered and applauded in a vague attempt to look like actual human beings, but then Nicole Kidman\u2019s face fell off to reveal a slimy, insect-like being with pincers.<\/p>\n<p>As the evening proceeded, the same happened to various other members of the audience. Eventually, pans of the auditorium revealed a swarming green mass of the creatures, crawling over each other and secreting highly noxious pheromones. It generated a stench like dog shit sprayed in Lynx deodorant, which was strong enough to kill three of the cameramen. Unfortunately, their lifeless bodies collapsed on the cameras and steered them back towards the stage, forcing us to watch the remainder of the show.<\/p>\n<p>Things got considerably worse when <em>La La Land<\/em> was awarded Best Picture and director Damien Chazelle, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling crawled up to the stage on their six legs. While trying to explain that the majority of the film\u2019s visuals are ironic and the entire fucking point is that life isn\u2019t like a song and dance, an angry audience heckled them with clicking noises, like a bag of crickets set on fire. They wanted <em>Moonlight<\/em> to win because they thought it would make them look more human.<\/p>\n<p>I thought <em>La La Land<\/em> was brilliant. Sure, the premise of two people with first world problems, illustrating their love for each other by singing and dancing, might sound like the most obnoxious fucking thing ever, but it\u2019s actually really clever if you bother to understand it. The sun-drenched Hollywood setting is used merely as a vehicle to convey the film\u2019s message about ambition and how it can take two people in different directions. Emma Stone\u2019s character wants to become a movie star and Ryan Gosling\u2019s wants to own a jazz club, but it could quite easily be set in Bradford, with the characters vying for management positions at Burger King and Specsavers respectively. It wouldn\u2019t be as pretty, but it\u2019d stop you writing articles like \u2018Why La La Land is Hitler in film form\u2019. <\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/La-La-Land-Ryan-Gosling-Emma-Stone.jpg\" alt=\"La-La-Land-Ryan-Gosling-Emma-Stone\" width=\"1200\" height=\"600\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-2125\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Coincidentally, I think it\u2019s a fucking disgrace that Emma Stone won Best Actress. It should have gone to Natalie Portman for her performance as Jackie Kennedy in <em>Jackie<\/em>, a film about Jackie Kennedy. I thought she was over-hamming the First Lady\u2019s accent until I saw footage of the actual woman and realised she genuinely used to talk like an exhaling pixie. Portman nails it, but she\u2019s also heavily aided by the fact that the camera hardly ever strays from her impossibly perfect face, as if one of those awful GoPro things has been attached to her chest. The film itself is like a vanity project, which is really clever when you consider how it\u2019s mirroring Jackie\u2019s life, one that involved wearing a lot of lovely hats to make her feel better about her husband being shot in the head.<\/p>\n<p>I also didn\u2019t agree with Mahershala Ali winning Best Supporting Actor for his role in <em>Moonlight<\/em>. Not because it was a bad performance, but because I went to the toilet for a particularly long piss and by the time I got back his part was over. He doesn\u2019t do anything earth-shattering in that time, either. He just sits at the dinner table wearing a smug expression, probably because he\u2019s realised he\u2019s won an Oscar for doing next to fuck all. <\/p>\n<p><em>Moonlight<\/em> is beautifully shot and delicately chronicles three stages of a black man\u2019s life, in which he discovers he likes being tossed off by other men on the beach. But as important and diverse a piece of cinema it is, I couldn\u2019t help but feel profoundly empty by the end of it, mainly because there\u2019s no real substance and the awkward silences stop being endearing when you realise no one has said anything for the last two hours. <\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/Mahershala-Ali-Moonlight.jpg\" alt=\"Mahershala-Ali-Moonlight\" width=\"1200\" height=\"600\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-2126\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Presumably that\u2019s how the Academy saw it, too, because it was also snubbed for Best Director. That went to Damien Chazelle. At this point, the audience of hexapod beings were incandescent with rage, screeching and hurling their newborn babies at the <em>La La Land<\/em> director. The egg sacks splattered in a disgusting mess on the stage, fumes escaping from the flabby tissue. Tom Holland emerged from one them, holding his hands aloft and demanding that he be taken seriously because he\u2019s playing the new Spider-Man. <\/p>\n<p>Anyone caught applauding the winner was immediately devoured and regurgitated into a paste that the Hollywood stars would use to build a new hive. It\u2019s where they\u2019ll gather and start regrowing their human shells in time for next year\u2019s ceremony, where they\u2019ll pretend to get angry about the same things as you all over again.<\/p>\n<p>I can only imagine the chaos that would have ensued had Casey Affleck won Best Actor instead of Denzel Washington. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The main talking point going into the 89th Academy Awards was La La Land being nominated for a record-levelling 14 Oscars, despite it being incredibly racist and self-indulgent&#8230; <a class=\"list-more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2017\/02\/25\/oscars-reviewed-theyve-even-happened\/\">Continue reading <i class=\"fa fa-angle-double-right\"><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2124,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[13,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2122","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-reviews","post_format-post-format-image"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Oscars reviewed before they&#039;ve even happened<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The main talking point going into the 89th Academy Awards was La La Land being nominated for a record-levelling 14 Oscars...\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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