{"id":2132,"date":"2017-03-03T23:33:01","date_gmt":"2017-03-03T23:33:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/?p=2132"},"modified":"2017-03-04T15:39:25","modified_gmt":"2017-03-04T15:39:25","slug":"beauty-beast-review","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2017\/03\/03\/beauty-beast-review\/","title":{"rendered":"Beauty and the Beast review \u2013 Bestiality pointlessly adapted"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>This review is pointless. I don\u2019t even know why you\u2019re reading it. Surely you know everything there is to know about a Disney classic you\u2019ve already watched countless times, on most occasions as an adult who should probably be paying bills or taking out the bins or whatever else grown ups do? Ah, but this version of <em>Beauty and the Beast<\/em> is a live-action adaptation, which means it has computer-generated characters instead of rubbish cartoon ones. There\u2019s no way it\u2019s going to be a pointless, worse version of the original. <\/p>\n<p>Obviously, it\u2019s a waste of time. Director Bill Condon\u2019s real-life (if 70% animated constitutes real-life) recreation is more or less a shot-for-shot remake, which mostly fills you with depressing nostalgia when you\u2019re reminded of the superior original and a time where you still had a full head of hair. For anyone who doesn\u2019t remember the story or was despicably born in the year 2000, it\u2019s about a bratty prince who\u2019s turned into a beast by an enchantress and has to wait for someone who\u2019s into bestiality to come along and break the curse. <\/p>\n<p>Emma Watson is the one with a furry fetish in this instance. Modestly playing someone whose name is French for \u2018beauty\u2019, she really hones the whole being attracted to a fucked-up bear-dog thing. There\u2019s a real sense that she genuinely prefers a creature with a mane and protruding fangs to a regular-looking bloke, which would be sweet \u2013 albeit a bit weird \u2013 if she didn\u2019t know there was a prince underneath it all. Gold-digging bitch. <\/p>\n<p>I would say Watson is due credit for that, but it\u2019s undoubtedly more down to luck and accidental eye acting than judgement. Every line she fails to deliver in this film caused me to anally ingest my underwear in embarrassment. It\u2019s astonishing that she can\u2019t even say the word \u2018hello\u2019 without sounding like she\u2019s auditioning for the role of an overtly British parody of herself. She sucks in air between every word, which is actually why this adaptation is a third longer than the original. <\/p>\n<p>Dan Stevens is fine as the beast, but his animated face is not. Considering what Disney achieved with <em>The Jungle Book<\/em> and <em>Rogue One<\/em> \u2013 creating an entirely animated environment without a single real prop and resurrecting a dead man\u2019s face respectively \u2013 the quality here is arse. There wasn\u2019t a single moment where I believed I was looking at an actual bear-dog-man or whatever the fuck he is.<\/p>\n<p>Consequently, I found myself wondering why they hadn\u2019t opted for more practical effects. Beast\u2019s face could have easily been an animatronic mask that raised its eyebrows whenever Belle tickled his ball sack. And Lumiere (Ewan McGregor with a fucking embarrassing French accent) and Cogsworth (Sir Ian McKellen) could have been puppets with the actors\u2019 faces embedded in them, like victims of the London mafia, buried in cement. <\/p>\n<p>As if to further prove my point, the only thing that was vaguely able to transport me to a slightly less bleak place was the production design. Whatever that actually means. The sets and shit, I suppose. Then again, the main success of the iconic ballroom and costumes is that they made me mumble, \u201cyeah, that\u2019s about right.\u201d I\u2019m sure that\u2019s exactly the sort of response they were after when they set out to recapture the magic of a film they pretty much got spot on twenty-six years ago. <\/p>\n<p>That brings me to the music. Now while I don\u2019t have anything majorly against the use of Auto-Tune in Cher\u2019s work, a Disney musical just doesn\u2019t seem like the appropriate place to use it. Luke Evans as Gaston is the only one who doesn\u2019t sound like he\u2019s singing through an iPad app, which made me all the more annoyed when Josh Gad butchered his best moment in the film \u2013 the bit where they all sing about how great he is in a vaguely camp manner. <\/p>\n<p>Speaking of Gad, he supposedly has Disney\u2019s first openly gay moment as LeFou, Gaston\u2019s man bitch. As far as I could tell, their relationship is no different to the one they have in the original. Maybe no one rewatched it properly. If they had they might have realised this adaptation was pointless. Like toenail infections.<\/p>\n<p>Two and a half out of five.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This review is pointless. I don\u2019t even know why you\u2019re reading it. Surely you know everything there is to know about a Disney classic you\u2019ve already watched countless&#8230; <a class=\"list-more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2017\/03\/03\/beauty-beast-review\/\">Continue reading <i class=\"fa fa-angle-double-right\"><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2133,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[13,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-reviews","post_format-post-format-image"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Beauty and the Beast review<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This 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