This Kong is fucking massive. I think that\u2019s the main thing director Jordan Vogt-Roberts tried to establish in this commentary piece about the effects of keeping ape enclosures too close to nuclear power plants. He\u2019s 100ft tall (Kong, not the director). Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine being underneath him as he emptied those balls. Honestly, having him ejaculate on you would be like someone pouring a bath of warm, gelatinous egg whites over you from the top of a building. You\u2019d be crushed. <\/p>\n
It seems like the sort of thing he\u2019d do, too. On Skull Island \u2013 the storm-cloaked, unchartered spit of land that houses all of Michael Bay\u2019s rejected monster ideas \u2013 Kong strolls around like his first name\u2019s King, most likely marking his territory by unloading numerous batches of milky sexcrement. It\u2019s an obvious move to affirm his dominance, but it\u2019s also a statement about the frustrations of hairy men in the age of Tinder. <\/p>\n
He goes fully ape shit for the best part of the film, smashing everything in sight when he realises he doesn\u2019t stand a chance with Brie Larson. In full swing, he\u2019s punching helicopters out of the sky, tipping uncredited extras into his canyon-sized mouth, and practicing his golf swing on giant skull lizards with uprooted trees. He looks glorious doing it, too. Being set in the 70s, just after the Vietnam War, he\u2019s basked in a lovely napalm hue that really brings out the fiery orange in his eyes. He\u2019s never looked so strong and handsome, but the problem is Larson\u2019s entire body can fit in the palm of his hand. It can never work between them.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s one thing they didn\u2019t really get away from: Kong having a thing for blondes. Despite the humans immediately proving themselves to be a threat to his habitat, he doesn\u2019t feel the urge to pulverise her when she\u2019s standing right in front of his ginormous face. Still, the level of intimacy and screen-time we get with Kong is a major improvement on Peter Jackson\u2019s 2005 film, which didn\u2019t see the Eighth Wonder of the World appear until you\u2019d already lost interest. What was even more disappointing was that he was only 25ft tall. Pathetic. You could have lobbed a rock at his head. <\/p>\n
In Kong: Skull Island<\/em> it only takes five minutes for the hairy behemoth to rear his head. And you don\u2019t have to endure too much of the boring talky stuff before he\u2019s back on screen again. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it: you can\u2019t keep the bastard hidden when he\u2019s tall enough to be spotted from the opposite side of the island. Upon arrival, they immediately see him, eclipsing the fucking sun like a fat person standing in front of a projector. <\/p>\n Vogt-Roberts has definitely done him justice, but the same can\u2019t be said for the characters. They\u2019re all so one-dimensional you could convincingly argue that it\u2019s a metaphor for Kong flattening everything. Not only that, no one in particular stands out as a lead. There\u2019s Tom Hiddleston\u2019s rugged tracker, who\u2019s more of a James Bond impressionist taking part in a Bear Grylls survival show, and Brie Larson\u2019s photojournalist, whose plan is to dazzle anything bigger than her with her camera flash, but neither of them have the emotional weight or screen-time to warrant protagonist status. If anything, John C. Reilly\u2019s stranded loon is the only one with a fleshed-out backstory \u2013 he\u2019s been living on the island since he crash-landed there in World War II. Oh, and Samuel L. Jackson gets to say \u2018mother fucker\u2019. <\/p>\n Obviously all of these characters have names, but somehow that feels completely irrelevant in a film about a giant, frustrated landscaper. All that matters is that they go to the island to discover an idea from 1933 is still more interesting than all of them combined. Then again, perhaps that\u2019s a statement in itself \u2013 Larson\u2019s lack of involvement representing humanity\u2019s weak approach to environmental protection. Or Brexit. <\/p>\n Three out of five. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"