The other day, while I was having a shit, I watched a spider try to crawl out of the bath plughole. It had the sort of morose demeanour you\u2019d expect of an arachnid that had just climbed up a soap scum and pubic hair-coated tube. I watched it make its way out of the porcelain basin and drop to the floor before trapping it with a toothbrush pot and then leaving the room. Nothing like that happens in Spider-Man: Homecoming. <\/p>\n
Instead, Spider-Man: Home and Away is a film about a sixteen-year-old boy with vaguely spider-like powers who wants to impress a billionaire by shooting his web fluid all over bad people\u2019s faces. Peter Parker (Tom Holland) hasn\u2019t seen much action since the events of Captain America: Civil War and is now depressed, reduced to helping general public scum in his neighbourhood. But when a disgruntled labourer (Michael Keaton) starts modifying alien technology to turn himself into a bird or some bollocks, Peter sees the opportunity to prove himself to Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) and gain a place in the next Avengers film, where he\u2019s guaranteed a seventieth of the screen-time. <\/p>\n
At no point, however, is there a scene where Spider-Man catches a massive fly in his web, vomits digestive fluids everywhere and then devours it. He doesn\u2019t even shoot his webbing from his arse, electing instead to fire it from wrist cartridges, like a vasectomised man trying to fool his lovers with a can of silly string. He\u2019s more of a mildly mutated pubescent, who sticks to walls like most teenagers because his hands are constantly covered in sexcrement. Most of his abilities are actually handed to him by a high-tech morph suit that comes with an in-built GPS and squirrel wings. <\/p>\n