Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a complex film in which a diminutive gimp and Cara Delevingne shoot their way through a massive space station to find the greatest artist of all time \u2013 Rihanna. <\/p>\n
Played by a shapeshifting, gelatinous stripper squid, the popular sound maker is integral to the film\u2019s plot, despite only being in it for fifteen minutes and spending the majority of that time shaking her twat. In this sprawling sci-fi adventure, she is the key to solving an intergalactic mystery, involving genocide, government corruption and an armadillo that shits magic marbles. <\/p>\n
The film starts promisingly with a montage of humanity meeting various species of alien, while David Bowie\u2019s A Space Odyssey plays over the top, but the story doesn\u2019t properly get going until Rihanna shows up an hour later. The diminutive gimp is half way through a drawn out mission to rescue Delevingne, having only just been rescued by her himself, when the pop sensation tries to entertain him with a pole dance for the ages. As she slid up and down the metallic fixture, drenching it in the process, it became quite clear that this film could not work without her. Then her hair changed from black to yellow and I spontaneously broke into applause. <\/p>\n