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<\/p>\nAre you sick of dickheads arguing about whether Die Hard is a Christmas film? It doesn\u2019t matter either way, because even if it is, it will never be the best.\u00a0Any idiot knows that Jingle All The Way is the best Christmas film ever made \u2013 and that there\u2019s no film that could ever knock it off the top spot.\u00a0Which is ironic really, because the film \u2013 about Arnie trying to find a Turbo Man doll for his awful child on Christmas Day \u2013 is objectively shite.<\/p>\n
Regardless, here\u2019s why it\u2019s the greatest Christmas film of all time.<\/p>\n
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Ask yourself this question: who the pissing hell is Jingle All The Way for?\u00a0Is it for adults? Surely not. It\u2019s got Jake Lloyd in it for starters, who\u2019s enough to make any rationally-minded grown up want to murder a six-year-old.\u00a0The film also loses its absolute shit in the last 15 minutes when Arnie straps a WORKING FUCKING JETPACK.<\/p>\n
No, Jingle All The Way is not for adults. Which means it\u2019s for kids. Except the film is about the reality of Christmas as a consumerist, Santa-free farce \u2013 the kind of thing that would ruin any kids\u2019 Crimbo and curse them to a lifetime of parent-hating therapy.\u00a0Which is why I made both my kids watch it yesterday. Twice. Pair of freeloading wankers they are.<\/p>\n
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And that\u2019s exactly what you want from Schwarzenegger. The shitter the better. These<\/span> days, now in the midst of a self-reflective comeback\/mid-life crisis, Arnie is actually pretty good. And no one gives a shit about him. Instead, we\u2019d all rather watch Commando over and again. And he couldn\u2019t act his way out a South American dictator\u2019s arsehole in that one.<\/p>\n In Jingle All The Way, he\u2019s probably the shittest he\u2019s ever been, as proven by such festive zingers as \u201cPut that cookie down!\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m not a pervert, I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll.\u201d\u00a0Bloody terrible\/brilliant.<\/p>\n Online shopping has ruined Christmas. These days, Arnie could order Turbo Man on Amazon and have it delivered within 24 hours if he\u2019s subscribed to Prime (at a very reasonable monthly price, I might add).\u00a0But the violence and misanthropic carnage of shopping used to be the best bit about Christmas. Once, my nan got in a fist fight with some council estate-type woman over the last Tracy Island in Toys R Us. Magical days.\u00a0It\u2019s only a shame Jingle All The Way doesn\u2019t crack it up a notch and have Arnie tear mums\u2019 heads off or cut Sinbad in half Running Man-style.<\/p>\n And good job too. I mean, have you ever seen a reindeer in real life? They\u2019re miserable, smelly bastards.\u00a0I saw two last year at some scabby Santa\u2019s Grotto, both crammed into a space barely big enough for a rabbit, barely fed and watered, and they couldn\u2019t even be bothered to crack a smile. I\u2019d paid a fiver to get in as well.<\/p>\n When Arnie breaks into Ted\u2019s house to steal the Turbo Man off Ted\u2019s obese, emotionally-scarred son, the reindeer charges at him \u2013 so Arnie knocks it out with one swift uppercut.\u00a0It\u2019s effectively a sequel to him knocking out a camel in Conan. I heard he was going to make it a trilogy and bum a platypus into unconsciousness in Eraser, but the scene didn\u2019t make the final cut.<\/p>\n If nothing else, Christmas is about having to endure grandparents and distant relatives being racist around the dinner table.\u00a0Now you might think that Arnie wrapping a karate belt around his head then making racist noises is just a bit of fun, but I\u2019m pretty sure he\u2019s doing it to get you prepped for the horror of what it\u2019s like spending time with family members who are, for the want of a better word, cunts.<\/p>\n Merry Christmas.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"It harks back to the old days when Christmas was proper<\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\nBut he does at least punch a reindeer<\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\nAnd Arnie plays a typically inappropriate dad<\/h2>\n
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