{"id":2479,"date":"2018-01-28T22:49:50","date_gmt":"2018-01-28T22:49:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/?p=2479"},"modified":"2020-05-09T00:15:08","modified_gmt":"2020-05-09T00:15:08","slug":"shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/","title":{"rendered":"All the fish in my pond are pregnant because of The Shape of Water"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>How dare they give the perverted fantasy film Best Picture at the Oscars when all it\u2019s done is turn my pond into a revolting sex stew?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Since the first screening of Guillermo del Toro\u2019s new film The Shape of Water, I have caught several people fucking the fish in my pond. The gill fetish fantasy, which sees a mute woman develop a coital relationship with an amphibious fin man, has convinced many-a-weirdo that it\u2019s okay to use my garden water feature as some sort of disgusting brothel pool. It is not.<\/p>\n<p>The other day I caught one gentleman, completely billy bollocks, jumping over my fence and plunging himself straight into the pond. He then proceeded to grab as many fish as possible and thrust them upon his bare genitals. There was a lot of squirming about and the water frothed with a substance I don\u2019t wish to disclose. But I can confirm that it fucking stunk.<\/p>\n<p>When the police eventually removed him from the pond, my koi carp Jeffrey was still attached to the man\u2019s appendage, which had gone clean through his mouth and out the other side. Jeffrey had been skewered to death.<\/p>\n<p>This has happened at least seventeen more times, and now all the female fish in my pond are pregnant. Cathy, my shubunkin goldfish, has already given birth to a fish-human hybrid, which looks exactly like Danny DeVito drenched in brine. It is currently wriggling on the grass in my garden, screaming for help.<\/p>\n<p>But if it wasn\u2019t enough of an insult to have a pond full of mutant fish that somehow look like The Penguin from Batman Returns, The Shape of Water has now won Best Picture at the Oscars.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t care if it\u2019s beautifully shot and has a culturally relevant message about the exclusivity of social outcasts. It\u2019s not like it\u2019s as good as Get Out, the satirical black comedy about how awful white people are. And that didn\u2019t make my garden stink of cum.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How dare they give the perverted fantasy film Best Picture at the Oscars when all it\u2019s done is turn my pond into a revolting sex stew? Since the&#8230; <a class=\"list-more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\">Continue reading <i class=\"fa fa-angle-double-right\"><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2498,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[13,15,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2479","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-opinion","category-reviews","post_format-post-format-image"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>All the fish in my pond are pregnant because of The Shape of Water<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How dare they nominate the perverted fantasy film for 13 Oscars when all it\u2019s done is turn my pond into a revolting sex stew? Since the first screening of Guillermo del Toro\u2019s new film The Shape of Water, I have caught several people fucking the fish in my pond.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"All the fish in my pond are pregnant because of The Shape of Water\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How dare they nominate the perverted fantasy film for 13 Oscars when all it\u2019s done is turn my pond into a revolting sex stew? Since the first screening of Guillermo del Toro\u2019s new film The Shape of Water, I have caught several people fucking the fish in my pond.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"CineWipe\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/cinewipe\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-01-28T22:49:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-05-09T00:15:08+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/shape-of-water-fish-man-sally-hawkins-oscars.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"878\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"562\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Chris Edwards\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@CineWipe\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@CineWipe\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Chris Edwards\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"2 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Chris Edwards\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/#\/schema\/person\/50e0eac61c28d17a6be000eaea680799\"},\"headline\":\"All the fish in my pond are pregnant because of The Shape of Water\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-01-28T22:49:50+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-05-09T00:15:08+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\"},\"wordCount\":356,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/shape-of-water-fish-man-sally-hawkins-oscars.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"FEATURED\",\"OPINION\",\"REVIEWS\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/\",\"name\":\"All the fish in my pond are pregnant because of The Shape of Water\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/28\/shape-of-water-fish-pond-pregnant\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/shape-of-water-fish-man-sally-hawkins-oscars.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-01-28T22:49:50+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-05-09T00:15:08+00:00\",\"description\":\"How dare they nominate the perverted fantasy film for 13 Oscars when all it\u2019s done is turn my pond into a revolting sex stew? 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