\u201cIt\u2019s the best part of the Oscars,\u201d says Geraldine Smythe, one of the event\u2019s organisers responsible for packing the nominees\u2019 goody bags. \u201cNo one really cares about the films; they just want to know what freebies we\u2019ve given them. So this year we\u2019ve really fucking gone for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The 54-year-old events manager, who also works as a part-time cat groomer, opened up a sample bag in front of me and I could barely believe what she pulled out of it. \u201cYes, the severed head of a Lion-tailed macaque.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis year\u2019s ceremony is set to be the most progressive yet, so I wanted to include something to remind the nominees of our barbaric roots, hopefully signifying just how far we\u2019ve come as an industry and species. The monkey heads given to the women will also double as pepper spray dispensers, which they\u2019ll probably need for the after party.\u201d<\/p>\n
She then pulled out a screwdriver catalogue before explaining, \u201cThis is for them to read when they get bored during the Best Film in a Foreign Language and Best Documentary acceptance speeches. For the same reason I\u2019ve also given them an iPad with Demolition Man pre-installed on it. Proper fucking film.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd a hammer, for them to bludgeon their senses away whenever someone uses their speech to make a political statement or explain why we all need to become vegans or whatever.”<\/p>\n