{"id":2800,"date":"2019-05-25T21:37:59","date_gmt":"2019-05-25T21:37:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinewipe.com\/?p=2800"},"modified":"2019-05-26T01:14:01","modified_gmt":"2019-05-26T01:14:01","slug":"godzilla-kills-everyone-at-cannes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cinewipe.com\/index.php\/2019\/05\/25\/godzilla-kills-everyone-at-cannes\/","title":{"rendered":"Godzilla kills everyone at Cannes"},"content":{"rendered":"

Godzilla has absolutely laid waste on the Cannes Film Festival, killing everyone present with his devastating atomic breath, it has been confirmed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Proper film journalists and freeloading bloggers alike have been left charred beyond recognition, after the mammoth lizard bothered to make the trek to the French coastal city and end the lot of \u2018em.<\/p>\n

Hugo Deschamps, an eyewitness who watched the whole thing unfold from Antibes with a pair of binoculars while eating popcorn, said in French: \u201cIt was absolute carnage. My popcorn went everywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Only one person survived Godzilla\u2019s relentless attack, American freelance journalist Abbi Miller, who managed to form a protective cocoon with the dead bodies of the the Once Upon A Time in Hollywood cast.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just utterly speechless, despite the fact I\u2019m quite clearly talking to you now,\u201d she said. \u201cWhen I set up a GoFundMe page to get complete strangers to pay for my flight here, I never thought it would end like this.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd burnt Leonardo DiCaprio fucking stinks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Other sites have quoted Godzilla himself as saying, in Japanese: \u201cThey\u2019re just all cunts, alright? I mean, look at that Abbi girl I spared so she\u2019d have to live with the trauma. She set up a GoFundMe page when what she really should have done was marked it as a business expense and paid for her own trip like every-fucking-one else.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I honestly couldn\u2019t care less if Robert Eggers’ The Lighthouse is a four or five-star film, so I torched the lot of them so the rest of the world wouldn\u2019t have to hear about it.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Godzilla has absolutely laid waste on the Cannes Film Festival, killing everyone present with his devastating atomic breath, it has been confirmed.\u00a0 Proper film journalists and freeloading bloggers… Continue reading <\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2802,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_FSMCFIC_featured_image_caption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_nocaption":"","_FSMCFIC_featured_image_hide":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[13,15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2800","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-opinion","post_format-post-format-image"],"yoast_head":"\nGodzilla kills everyone at the Cannes Film Festival<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Godzilla has absolutely laid waste on the Cannes Film Festival, killing everyone present with his devastating atomic breath, it has been confirmed.\u00a0\" 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