This film looks shit. Sorry, that\u2019s not a very considered opening critique, is it? I\u2019ll start again\u2026 This film looks really bloody shit. It\u2019s quite something to make me think that after just a two-minute trailer, but this one immediately rang my Jupiter Ascending alarm bell. Orcs and war and massive eagles and shiny orb things? I\u2019ll be lucky if I don\u2019t have a special effects-induced seizure in the first ten minutes. No doubt someone will force me to give it a certain amount of leeway, though, what with this being an adaptation of the popular computer game World of Warcraft. But in no way does that give it carte blanche to act like a mixture of the worst bits of Lord of the Rings and the masturbation fantasies of someone who\u2019s never taken a toy out of its box.<\/p>\n
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And let\u2019s face it, that\u2019s exactly what this is. With next to no reason to make a film about chopping trees and killing boars \u2013 that kind of material working far better in a game \u2013 all that\u2019s left to contrive is something about a dark and mysterious threat with some orc sex scenes in-between action sequences. Well, I can\u2019t guarantee the orc sex scenes, but the rest of it is the essential plot. It certainly has an air of \u2018been there, seen that, got the disappointed look on my face,\u2019 doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n
But wait! There\u2019s another dimension for us to get mildly optimistic about: the humans and orcs actually have to overcome their differences and team up to save the world they both inhabit. Yeah, that\u2019s definitely never been done before. I mean you can even predict the narrative arc of every character just by watching this trailer, for God\u2019s sake. The two reasonable guys from both species will find a way to fight together, while the crafty-looking doubters on each side will refuse to collaborate and die like the idiots they are. I\u2019m fucking bored already.<\/p>\n
So we reluctantly focus on the special effects, like we\u2019re settling for a gross one-night-stand consolation after all the pretty people have been taken. And judging by this trailer, the usual candidates are there: the massive beasty types that want to crush your pelvis, the socially inept ones that probably belong to a cult, and the hairy ones that want you to jump on their back and ride them like you\u2019ve just stuck 50p in their side. That last one is actually a reference to the massive griffin thing we see towards the end. The human protagonist leaps off the edge of something, presumably to his death, only to be caught by the giant bird in dramatic fashion. It\u2019s bollocks. It\u2019ll make you throw whatever you\u2019re holding. Even if it\u2019s a baby.<\/p>\n
Also, is it no longer possible to make a fantasy war epic without using the word \u2018perish\u2019? Warcraft can\u2019t even get through this trailer without Dominic Cooper saying it, while slightly leaning forward, as if he\u2019s presenting his arse to the writers for insertion. It\u2019s lazy and it makes everyone cringe. But then what did I expect from a film that that looks set to start a trend of game adaptation titles? Next up: Assassin\u2019s Creed! I wonder if this is Hollywood\u2019s new method of combating piracy: releasing endless amounts of unwatchable phallus produce.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"