Are you sick of dickheads arguing about whether Die Hard is a Christmas film? It doesn’t matter either way, because even if it is, it will never be the best. Any idiot knows that Jingle All The Way is the best Christmas film ever made – and that there’s no film that could ever knock it off the top spot. Which is ironic really, because the film – about Arnie trying to find a Turbo Man doll for his awful child on Christmas Day – is objectively shite.
Regardless, here’s why it’s the greatest Christmas film of all time.
It’s trying to ruin Christmas
Ask yourself this question: who the pissing hell is Jingle All The Way for? Is it for adults? Surely not. It’s got Jake Lloyd in it for starters, who’s enough to make any rationally-minded grown up want to murder a six-year-old. The film also loses its absolute shit in the last 15 minutes when Arnie straps a WORKING FUCKING JETPACK.
No, Jingle All The Way is not for adults. Which means it’s for kids. Except the film is about the reality of Christmas as a consumerist, Santa-free farce – the kind of thing that would ruin any kids’ Crimbo and curse them to a lifetime of parent-hating therapy. Which is why I made both my kids watch it yesterday. Twice. Pair of freeloading wankers they are.
Arnie is complete fucking dog shit in it
And that’s exactly what you want from Schwarzenegger. The shitter the better. These days, now in the midst of a self-reflective comeback/mid-life crisis, Arnie is actually pretty good. And no one gives a shit about him. Instead, we’d all rather watch Commando over and again. And he couldn’t act his way out a South American dictator’s arsehole in that one.
In Jingle All The Way, he’s probably the shittest he’s ever been, as proven by such festive zingers as “Put that cookie down!” and “I’m not a pervert, I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll.” Bloody terrible/brilliant.
It harks back to the old days when Christmas was proper
Online shopping has ruined Christmas. These days, Arnie could order Turbo Man on Amazon and have it delivered within 24 hours if he’s subscribed to Prime (at a very reasonable monthly price, I might add). But the violence and misanthropic carnage of shopping used to be the best bit about Christmas. Once, my nan got in a fist fight with some council estate-type woman over the last Tracy Island in Toys R Us. Magical days. It’s only a shame Jingle All The Way doesn’t crack it up a notch and have Arnie tear mums’ heads off or cut Sinbad in half Running Man-style.
But he does at least punch a reindeer
And good job too. I mean, have you ever seen a reindeer in real life? They’re miserable, smelly bastards. I saw two last year at some scabby Santa’s Grotto, both crammed into a space barely big enough for a rabbit, barely fed and watered, and they couldn’t even be bothered to crack a smile. I’d paid a fiver to get in as well.
When Arnie breaks into Ted’s house to steal the Turbo Man off Ted’s obese, emotionally-scarred son, the reindeer charges at him – so Arnie knocks it out with one swift uppercut. It’s effectively a sequel to him knocking out a camel in Conan. I heard he was going to make it a trilogy and bum a platypus into unconsciousness in Eraser, but the scene didn’t make the final cut.
And Arnie plays a typically inappropriate dad
If nothing else, Christmas is about having to endure grandparents and distant relatives being racist around the dinner table. Now you might think that Arnie wrapping a karate belt around his head then making racist noises is just a bit of fun, but I’m pretty sure he’s doing it to get you prepped for the horror of what it’s like spending time with family members who are, for the want of a better word, cunts.
Merry Christmas.