In a world overrun with corruption, conflict and disease, director Matt Reeves has given us exactly what we all need – another Batman film
I attended my press screening of The Batman in full Dark Knight attire. The authentic batsuit I ordered from Amazon didn’t turn up in time, so I instead fashioned a costume myself, using bin liner for the cape and a cut up car floor mat for the mask. It was extremely uncomfortable, but nothing was going to stop me from enjoying this film.
You could practically smell the anticipation in the air as the lights went down and the film’s title appeared in massive, red block capitals. When Robert Pattinson’s Batman sauntered onto the screen for the first time, like an ice skater softly propelled by a fart, there were audible squeals of excitement. Someone from ScreenRant clapped. I readjusted my utility belt made from gaffer tape and tiny cereal boxes and ended up getting my cape caught in my seat’s folding mechanism. It is a testament to the film’s writing, acting, directing, cinematography, lighting, sound mixing, special effects and catering that I waited the entire three-hour runtime before untethering myself.
Within minutes, I was fully captivated. Unlike the last few Batman films I’d been subjected to, this one appeared to have a plot and themes and good acting. This time, it’s The Riddler giving the Caped Crusader the runaround in a fiendishly clever detective thriller, one so packed with twists and turns and chilling bits that I frequently had to take a drag from my batinhaler. Others around me seemed to be similarly gripped, with the well-known journalist on my immediate right (who shall remain nameless to save him/her/them the embarrassment) sexually groaning at the precise moment Batman revved the batmobile’s engine. It was a big engine, to be fair.
Yes, this is the best Batman film made since the one with Heath Ledger in it, and that is no doubt down to director Matt Reeves, who, having already worked with live chimps and orangutans for War for the Planet of the Apes, had no difficulty in getting the most out of his ensemble cast. Here, Pattinson gives his very best impression of a flying rat while also instilling that sense of depressed confusion you get when you’ve been constipated for an entire week. The quality of his performance is matched by Zoë Kravitz, who is thoroughly convincing as a meddling pussy. Every time she was on screen I found myself licking the back of my hand and then using the saliva to clean my car mat bat ears. Colin Farrell is also sensational as The Penguin, although I had a hard time recognising him because my thick rubbery mask kept slipping over my eyes.
While the fight scenes are well-choreographed and suitably brutal, my favourite moments came from The Riddler (brilliantly played by Paul Giamatti) addressing his followers on social media. In one scene, he uploads a video of a corrupt officer with his head stuck in a rat maze, just waiting for the flesh to be eaten off his lying face. If I hadn’t imagined a similar fate for the social media influencers in the row behind me, I probably would have found it highly disturbing.
The film seemed to lose momentum at the midway point, and the ending did drag on a bit, but these are minor niggles that would only concern someone who isn’t willing to wear a full Batman costume to a press screening. I, in fact, enjoyed the film so much that I have refused to remove my batsuit since watching it. When my proper one turns up from Amazon, I shall take to the streets to enforce my own brand of brutal justice, while loudly proclaiming just how good The Batman is. To do so in an unofficial costume would simply be embarrassing.
The Batman is in cinemas on March 4.