The Creed franchise may be able to survive without Rocky, but this site will always require a pricey yearly fee
It has been a full year since I last wrote something on CineWipe. I’ve been far too busy earning proper money and shagging your mum. In fact, I’m too busy to be writing this right now. The only reason I’ve returned is because I’ve just been charged £400 for the web host renewal and thought I better do something to justify this site’s meagre existence. So fuck it, here’s a review of Creed III.
As the title unironically suggests, Creed III is the third Creed film. It stars Michael B. Jordan – who also marks his directional debut – as Adonis Creed, the boxer son of dead boxer dad Apollo Creed. It’s a boxing film.
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Sylvester Stallone aka Rocky Balboa is nowhere to be seen in this one, so Adonis is very much left to fend for himself. Like me when those bastards at JustHost set my subscription to auto-renewal without my consent, as if £400 is a reasonable amount to charge someone for a few pages of text and a service that regularly crashes because you neglect it for months at a time. Creed III is written by Keenan Coogler and Zach Baylin.
Having won a sufficient number of fights in the previous two films, Adonis now finds himself in early retirement, committing his time to wife Bianca (Glenn Close) and daughter Amara (Emma Watson). However, his cosy little life is soon disrupted by the re-emergence of his childhood best friend Damian “Dame” Anderson (Rowan Atkinson). Dame once had a promising boxing career ahead of him, but an incident during their youth saw him locked up for 15 years. Upon his release from prison, Dame immediately demands a title shot. £400 for this.
Atkinson is truly sensational in the role of Dame, twitching and gurning like someone who’s just been blindsided by a massive web hosting subscription fee. On the surface he looks mildly pained, but deep down he’s a bubbling cauldron of hatred and resentment. How the fuck can they charge £400 for a year? It’s utterly mental. I don’t even have ads on here. Someone needs to be punched.
Many will question if it’s possible for this franchise to exist without Rocky, but to be totally honest, when you’ve got a £400 bill stinking up your bank statement, you barely even notice he’s missing. The best part of the film is when Adonis and Dame start punching each other. A noted fan of anime, Jordan utilises slow-motion shots of rippling flesh and sweat beads flinging off boxing gloves. There’s another abstract shot that may be too experimental for some Rocky traditionalists, but let’s face it, these films have got to do something new to justify their continued existence. We’ve all got to. Otherwise what the fuck are we paying £400 for?
Creed III is an impressively competent directorial debut for Jordan, but who really cares? We live in a world where running a WordPress site costs the same amount as two months of central heating. That’s the choice. This review or mould on the windowsill. I hope you’re happy, JustHost, you fucking bastards.
Creed III is now in cinemas.