Following the release of The Batman, CineWipe feels compelled to rank a bunch of things and share it on the internet
Are you a massive Batman fan? Then you’ll no doubt want to learn about all the different ways you can bring yourself off while fantasising about the Caped Crusader. From worst to best, we’ve ranked every Batman-themed wanking technique that’s sure to help you achieve a hearty batgasm.
So sit back, whack on The Dark Knight, grab a box of tissues and enjoy our official Batman wanking ranking.
5. The Bumarang
Not one for the faint-hearted, this daring method may actually leave you in a bit of pain. However, if performed correctly, it can produce euphoric results. Simply take your replica batarang that you purchased from Forbidden Planet, slather it with industrial grade lubricant and ram it right up your arse. Once you reach your prostate, tickle it with one of the weapon’s sharp edges and then wank yourself to oblivion. Absolutely sensational. Just make sure you have a mop and bucket to clean up all the blood and semen.
4. The Phantasmgasm
When it comes to Batman, virgins really know their stuff. But they know even more about wanking. That’s why you should trust them on this technique, which requires at least one physical copy of the 1993 animated movie Batman: The Mask of Phantasm. With one hand, play the film on a streaming device or DVD/Blu-ray player, and with the other, place the disc on the tip of your penis/clitoris and spin it as fast as you can. Keep it going like a spinning plate! It may take a while to climax with this method, but if you time it just right, you should finish just before the end credits.
3. The Catwoman Experience
Let’s face it, you’ll probably never be with a real woman, but you *can* put a tiny bra on your cat and make it slink around the living room like a sexy little burglar. Now, we don’t condone actual bestiality, but there’s nothing stopping you having a quick one off the wrist while staring at a furry feline arse. If someone walks in on you, just pretend you’re wanking over Michelle Pfeiffer. The risk of being caught will heighten the experience.
2. The Grappling Cock
Batman’s always being pulled off by his grappling hook, so why not take a leaf out of his book? Get a silky rope or a soft bit of string (you don’t want to chafe!), tie one end to a door handle and the other to your Billy-boy, pull it taut and then, with an ambulance on standby, get yanking! This method is almost two centuries old and is believed to explain the origin of the word “doorknob”.
1. The Handjob You Deserve
Sometimes, you just can’t beat a good old fashioned handjob, but for someone as lonely and frustrated as you, you’re going to need something a little more… aggressive. Put on a coarse leather glove (must be black) and turn your wanking hand inwards 180 degrees, so your index finger and thumb are facing towards you. If it helps, you can even place your hand down on a bed to create a sturdy fuck hole. Then, when you’re ready, have at it. For this method, it is absolutely vital that no form of lubrication be used. It’s meant to hurt. As you pummel away, allow the pent-up rage and resentment to course through your veins as you recount your all-time favourite Batman scenes. Then, just before you finish, be sure to whisper, “I am vengeance.”