It was London’s turn to host Star Wars Celebration, an international convention that sees fans queue to join queues to look at stuff they can’t afford to buy. It also has panels with the stars of the films, where new announcements are made and audience members are escorted for ejaculating all over each other. This year’s event was primarily focused on the upcoming Rogue One film. There were all sorts of exciting reveals, including a major spoiler and a sneak peak of Darth Vader in a new trailer, but I’m going to talk about clothes.
Let’s start with Jyn Erso, the film’s protagonist.
What we have here is clearly the costume of someone who is planning a long weekend at Glastonbury. Notice the stylish, yet highly practical poncho that will be used in the inevitable event of shit weather. There’s also a breathing tube for when the stench of thousands of people and their excrement becomes too much to bear. However, the tube does appear to lead to user’s behind, which might indicate it’s not a breathing device at all, but rather a smug inhaler, designed specifically for someone who loves the smell of their own arse fumes.
This outfit is evidently intended for a Coldplay fan. Just look at those meaningless knee buckles that can’t possibly serve any purpose other than to make everyone without them feel inferior. Only someone who would sing along to Chris Martin while sitting on the shoulders of stranger could possibly wear those. The helmet must also be just for appearance, since I can’t see the elastic in those goggles stretching over that bill. Unless, of course, I’m looking at it all wrong and the wearer’s eyes are actually several inches higher than usual, with the visor acting as a sort of lip guard. In which case, this becomes an incredibly sad story about a person with a frightfully disproportionate face. I suppose that still meets the description of numerous Glastonbury attendees.
Moving on to Chirrut Imwe, a blind monk who believes in the Force, we can see his costume has been inspired by an emergency stop button.
Situated on his belt is a massive red dot with what must be the power cable hanging beneath it. Maybe he previously worked in a wood shop and lost his sight when a splinter flung into his eyes. That’d explain the poor craftsmanship on his massive wooden stick. Just look at all those bobbly bits.
Meanwhile, his best friend Baze Malbus was clearly influenced by a game of Whack-A-Mole.
The large red mound surrounding his neck and chest should provide ample cover if he lifts his shoulders and bows his head, taking the stance of a shrugging Ronnie Corbett. His bio card paints him as a hard mercenary figure, but I’m not convinced. The vents at the front and the general bagginess of his costume imply he’s ready to inflate and float away like a cowardly air balloon turtle.
What about Captain Cassian Andor?
His bio uses lots of impressive words. Although, I’m pretty sure the sole purpose of his character description is to make a Hoth pun. It says he has the ability to keep a ‘cool’ head. A ‘cool’ head. Get it? It’s because Hoth is cold. To complete the gag, they gave him Han Solo’s costume from the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back – a less camouflaged one.
As for Bodhi Rook’s costume, this is just a misplaced WW2 exhibition item from Duxford.
That brings us to the bad guys.
And nothing quite says ‘I want to blow your planet up with a massive space station’ like the name ‘Director of Advanced Weapons Research for the Imperial Military, Orson Krennic’. Yeah, he sounds like a right bastard. You only have to look at the stiffness of his costume to figure that out. Look at the crispness of his Daz white cape, boldly contrasting with his space black trousers. It’s just villain attire porn. Look, he even has a red and blue chocolate bar pinned to his chest.
To top it off, he’s accompanied by two Imperial Death Troopers, wearing impressive black armour that somehow doesn’t appear again in any of the following films. The same can be said for the Shoretrooper uniforms, which have more of a sandy look. They’re used for raiding family holidays at Butlin’s.
More photos from Star Wars Celebration.
