When visiting a portrait gallery, I try to avoid ranking all of the paintings in order of worst to best, because, as any culture expert will tell you, art is subjective and can’t possibly be assessed in terms of quality. But when comparing different kinds of helm cheese you really don’t have to be too careful. So here’s CineWipe’s definitive ranking of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Captain America: The First Avenger
At the bottom of the pile we have Captain America: The First Avenger, a film that, despite depicting America defeating the Nazis, proves that Germany did in fact win the Second World War, and that under their brutal regime we have been forced to watch turgid atrocities such as this.
The Incredible Hulk
Nothing is incredible, especially not this film I barely remember from director Louis Leterrier, who used several inflated hose pipes to construct The Hulk’s body and thought no one would notice. Edward Norton starred as the gamma green hunk of gammon, and it is said that the subsequent trauma he experienced inspired his performance for Fight Club. The fact that Fight Club came out nine years before The Incredible Hulk is beside the point.
Iron Man 2
Promising to be Iron Manier than the first Iron Man, Iron Man 2 ultimately disappointed fans when it became clear that Gwyneth Paltrow would be appearing in every one of these films.
Iron Man 3
As if by numerical inevitability, Iron Man 2 was followed by Iron Man 3, a film that sees Ben Kingsley play a satsuma. This made for some terrible action sequences, with Kingsley’s fleshy fruit proving to be no match for Iron Man’s laser-firing tank suit.
Thor: The Dark World
Part of Thor: The Dark World was actually filmed outside my front door, but geographical bias will not be enough to sway my opinion of this frankly sad affair. If that were the case, I would be a major fan of my gastroenterologist, who regularly films inside my arse hole.
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Having clocked that audiences generally quite like music and colours, this sequel opted to put them at the forefront in place of anything that might have resembled an actual plot. If it weren’t for the lovely meal I had before the film, I probably would have put this lower on the list.
Avengers Assemble, Avengers: Age of Ultron and Avengers: Infinity War
All of the Avengers films serve as a great reminder that time is limited and we are all going to die. With each instalment being approximately two hours too long, one can only regret wasting such a large chunk of their life watching films about absolutely nothing.
Spider-Man: Homecoming
Aside from children and morons, who even cares about Spider-Man anymore? I fell asleep during Homecoming, but I’m told it was brilliant and Empire Magazine probably gave it four stars.
Thor: Ragnarok
The inherently irritating character of Thor returns for his third outing, a cosmic coloured comedy that has been described as the funniest Marvel film yet. I must admit, when Thor threw a can at Loki’s face I laughed so hard I snorted Tango Ice Blast all over a child’s face. He didn’t mind because he was also busy guffawing.
Thor
I recently rewatched the first Thor film and actually thought it had a bit more to it than most people give it credit for. But I’d been drinking heavily that evening and it turned out I was actually watching the Al Pacino version of The Merchant of Venice, which is at least a three and a half star film.
Doctor Strange
To the average Marvel-loving idiot, Doctor Strange is probably mind-blowing. It features psychedelic imagery, portal holes and mystic symbols. Similar hallucinogenic effects can be achieved by taking a pneumatic drill to your ear and pushing until you start smelling sounds.
Guardians of the Galaxy
I watched Guardians of the Galaxy whilst hungover on New Year’s Day. All I remember is that it was about some kind of orb and a prison and a tree that couldn’t talk. I felt like celebrating the end of another year once it had finally finished.
Black Panther
I attended the European Premiere of Black Panther in my ceremonial attire of skinny jeans and a poorly fitted smart coat, and was overwhelmed to see so many other white people doing the same. At last we have a film starring Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis. For that reason alone it firmly belongs in the top five of this list.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
For some reason I’ve convinced myself that The Winter Solider is one of the best Marvel films, but I suspect that if I were to rewatch it I’d probably be deeply ashamed of myself for ever thinking that.
Captain American: Civil War
Civil War is widely considered to be the best Marvel film, but that is obviously wrong because there are two others ranked above it in this list. It may be excellent by the studio’s standards, but compared to a proper film it’s probably only as good as the last seven minutes of Commando.
Iron Man
The best bit of Iron Man is when he emerges from a cave, gets shot a billion times by Islamic extremist bastards and then says “my turn”, before burning them all up with his napalm and rockets from his metal arms. It’s much better than anything that happens in Lawrence of Arabia.
The Ant-Man
It is not up for debate – The Ant-Man is quite simply the best Marvel film ever made. I’ll never forget the moment Paul Rudd found himself in an enormous bathtub, hilariously unable to escape as it filled with water, and when he rode a surely shit-covered fly without contracting the plague. If the sequel is half as good it will cure cancer.