In a civilised chat over tea and cream cakes, the de-extincted star of the Jurassic World franchise admits he’s tired of doing the same old shit.
In 1993, Ian the Tyrannosaurus rex made his first appearance in the Jurassic Park franchise, terrifying audiences with his massive feet and total disregard for fences. He immediately became an icon, even more famous than those dinosaurs you see on documentaries that were killed by a bit of snow. He has since starred in a further four Jurassic instalments. But now, Ian has had enough.
Joining me for sandwiches and scones in a quaint Soho teahouse, Ian appeared exasperated as we talked Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the franchise’s fifth and latest entry, but the second one to replace the word ‘park’ with ‘world’ in a vague attempt to make everything seem bigger.
“I’m incredibly tired, Chris,” he exhales. “I’m tired of chasing people around cars and roaring in front of cinematic backdrops. I’m tired of doing that scene where I, for some reason, save the humans from another dinosaur at the last second and allow them to escape.
“And the press tour for this one has been mental. I just got off a 13-hour flight and now I’m sitting here with you. Although this clotted cream is delicious.”
His tiny T-Rex arms, stranded in the middle of his ginormous brown body, like two twigs protruding from an epic cowpat, prevent him from lifting anything to his face, so I feed him the scones for the duration of the interview.
“Even by this franchise’s dwindling standards, this latest film is bollocks,” he says. “I mean, going to a ready-to-erupt volcano to save dinosaurs that will definitely eat you? I wouldn’t blame the humans for letting us all die. We’re horrible bastards. Apart from the diplodocuses, who are just Quorn-eating pussies.
“And a dinosaur auction? With yet another hybrid creature? It’s just embarrassing, really. I think we comprehensively covered it all in the first Jurassic Park and everything since has been serious overkill.
“I’ll do the last Jurassic World but then I’m moving onto other things. I’m a proper actor. I have range. I recently auditioned for Alejandro González Iñárritu’s latest film and only killed seven people, so I’m hoping to get the call soon.”
Ian steps away from the table, demolishing the teahouse and half of Soho in the process.
“Do you mind paying for this? I’ve got a massive dental bill to pay for.”