In my screening of Incredibles 2, the audience predominately consisted of children. This is in spite of the fact that the first film was released 14 years ago, long before any of them had even materialised in their father’s ballsack.
How can anyone who wasn’t born before the original possibly expect to understand the cultural significance of the franchise when they weren’t present during its inception? They’ll just be sitting there, blinking and drooling like idiots, not appreciating who the characters are what they’ve already been through.
Karen Baker, a 31-year-old woman I met in the foyer before the film, who was wearing an Incredibles t-shirt that looked about seven sizes too small, said: “If a child disrupts my experience of this film I swear to God I will express my rage on Twitter with a GIF. You must be at least 25 to watch Incredibles 2. That is this sequel’s true audience, and I will palm punch a toddler if I have to.”
Darryl Green, a 47-year-old IT consultant who smelt suspiciously of jizz, added: “Being 14 or even 20 doesn’t excuse you. Simply existing during the time of the original’s release is not enough. You have to be at a sentient enough age to appreciate a film’s themes and nuances. I was 33 when the first one came out and I’m pretty certain I was the only one in the cinema who really understood what it was about.”
Quite simply, if you weren’t born before 2004 you are a disgrace. In fact, I’d go as far to say that anyone born after the year 2000 shouldn’t be considered a real person – and they certainly shouldn’t be allowed to watch Incredibles 2.
Take me, for example. I wasn’t alive when the original Star Wars trilogy came out, so I have refrained from watching every sequel and prequel that has been made since. It’s just the respectful thing to do.
Incredibles 2 is in UK cinemas July 13.