FEATURED OPINION

People who whoop in cinemas to be exterminated by automated laser guns

Film fans who let out an audible cry of excitement in the cinema will be immediately terminated by a death ray gun, it has been confirmed.

Cinema seats across the world are now being installed with self-firing laser rifles, which will automatically pop out of your headrest and disintegrate your face if you express your enjoyment of a film by shouting. 

Death ray chair designer Peter Kniferack said: “We actually had a really successful test run of it when Incredibles 2 came out. When Elastigirl stoped that runaway train with her stretchy arms, one of the laser guns picked up a cheer and instantly vanquished the perpetrator.

“I did warn my son, so he got what he deserved.”

A study conducted by Kniferack’s team has concluded that people who audibly express their excitement in a cinema for the apparent benefit of those around them are 87% more likely to wet the bed and/or die a virgin.

Kniferack added: “For Star Wars and all future Marvel stuff, we’re working on a massive plasma cannon that flips from behind the screen and wipes out absolutely everyone.”

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