With the Venice Film Festival 2018 in full swing, I spoke to an attendee about tweeting obnoxious guff about it.
It’s that time of year again when swathes of film people descend on Twitter to frantically share their thoughts about films in a desperate attempt to gain status over other equally annoying film people.
I haven’t seen any of the films currently premiering at the Venice Film Festival, but nevertheless, I took it upon myself to speak to an anonymous ‘journalist’ who has and was eager to ejaculate their superior knowledge all over me.
Speaking via FaceTime while he walked around the festival picking at free food, we discussed social media etiquette and the importance of letting people know you’re better than them.
“Would you believe there was only one choice of wine at the screening of Yorgos Lanthimos’s The Favourite?” he began. “It was fucking barbaric, like a multimedia screening full of competition winners.
“But yes, of course it’s important to tweet about the auteurist qualities of Victor Kossakovsky’s Aquarela in a near condescending manner, despite knowing that no one else is going to watch it. How else will people know I’m better than them?”
He paused briefly to stand next to a group of other festival attendees, and after a few seconds of eavesdropping he interjected: “Ah yes, but Alfonso Cuarón addressed that theme far more poignantly in Y Tu Mamá También.”
The self-proclaimed critic had just finished watching A Star Is Born, starring pop singer Lady Gaga, and he was incandescent with eagerness to tweet about it. “I actually left the film 30 minutes early, just so I could be the first to get my thoughts out there,” he said after sucking on a tube connected directly to his arse hole. “Gaga was utterly mesmeric. A true Hollywood great in the making, like Marlon Brando or Jennifer Lopez.”