I recently went to a safari and watched two gorillas fuck each other for 133 minutes. And while I was initially excited to see such fantastic beasts engage in an act that could potentially prolong the existence of an endangered species, I eventually found myself thinking that the epic session of coitus was dragging a bit.
It started with the female gorilla libidinously waving her arse at the male, tempting him with the promise of a passionate encounter that would contain only the faintest whiff of shit.
As Ambam heroically knuckle walked his way over to Bobo, scores of tourists rushed towards the barrier to take photos and videos, which they undoubtedly shared on their Instagram stories. They screamed like crazed ape fanatics as he entered her from behind, and one man to my side even proposed to his girlfriend.
But it was only after the first 10 minutes of vigorous pounding that Ambam started to look exhausted. Nevertheless, he persisted for almost a further two hours. At one point, several other gorillas joined in on the act and, remarkably, we had an ape orgy on our hands. But with so many furry limbs flailing around, the whole thing just became a maddening and meaningless black mass.
Curiously, some of the tourists continued to scream and cheer as the gorillas redundantly continued to milk each other’s teats and sexual organs, but I’m afraid to say the entire occasion was completely lost on me.
What I’d just seen was a calamitous and tedious mess where, in a desperate attempt to prolong Ambam and Bobo’s intercourse, several of their own family members got involved. In fact, one of the safari’s keepers told me that all of the gorillas in the enclosure were actually related, which gave the situation a whole new, unsettling complexion.
After the incestuous chaos dissipated, I stared down at a battered Bobo, whose fur was now matted with sexcrement, and sympathetically reached out with my hand. In tears, she looked up at me and seemingly mouthed, “I can’t do this again”.
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is in cinemas now.