Are you an unbearable, self-righteous prick with shit taste in films and therefore perpetuating a culture of mediocrity that’s ultimately responsible for Brexit? Take the quiz and find out.
A deleted scene from Men In Black: International reveals that Janelle Monáe was cast as Tessa Thompson’s wife in the film.
What do you do?
A) Become uncontrollably excited and say you ‘stan that’, without admitting that you’re actually a bit of a pervert.
B) Dismissively tut at the revelation, acknowledging it is clearly pandering to gullible, meme-generation mind-slaves who don’t realise these kind of social causes are being treated as fads and that they’re funding their own oppression.
Brie Larson says or tweets anything at all.
What do you do?
A) Cover yourself in petrol and set yourself on fucking fire because you just can’t handle how much you love her and everything that comes out of her mouth/fingers.
B) Probably agree with her, but don’t bother retweeting whatever she said with a bunch of love heart emojis or replying with a GIF of her face that’s apparently relatable to 27 million twats online.
You don’t get into an early screening of the next Marvel/Disney/Star Wars/whatever film.
What do you do?
A) Get in a right huff, message all your horrible friends to complain about it and then send a passive aggressive email to the PRs, fully expecting to be given a seat because you’re incredibly important and the world will simply implode if you don’t share your hot take.
B) Pay to see the film at the cinema like everyone else because you’re not an entitled cunt.
Black Panther 2 isn’t nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars.
What do you do?
A) Consider it a disgrace and compose a smug tweet about how The Academy is being racist again, knowing that you’ll get loads of likes because everyone thinks the exact same thing.
B) Aggressively nod your head in agreement and wonder how the first film ever got nominated, what with it being an overrated structural mess with a formulaic denouement – and those CGI rhinos were absolute clown shoes.
In addition to the other 47 Star Wars films currently in the works, Disney announce ANOTHER new trilogy.
What do you do?
A) Punch the air and thank our Lord and ruler Mickey Mouse for not allowing the biggest franchise in film history to fade away, even if it means we eventually get a film about Greedo’s arse nits.
B) Utterly despair at the state of modern cinema and relinquish all interest in Star Wars, accepting that it now caters to Marvel-loving idiots/‘I Am Groot’ t-shirt wearers.
Scarlett Johansson is cast as a 71-year-old lesbian in a new film.
What do you do?
A) Lament the lack of opportunities for gay, pensioner actresses in the industry.
B) Lose your rag again and go on a rant about how an actor’s job is to become something they’re not, pointing out that, if a film was set in Andorra, there literally wouldn’t be enough actors to cast from the country because everyone’s a skiing instructor.
A new Marvel phase that will see the films continue right up to the year 2039 has just been announced.
What do you do?
A) Declare your excitement by tweeting a list of all the upcoming films and say something like ‘it’s going to be a good couple of decades for Disney’, completely unaware that you’ve just ruined my day.
B) Actively decide to stop watching Marvel films altogether, instead allocating your time to read some Pratchett or Kafka, which ultimately makes you wonder why you ever thought Captain America: Winter Solider was a profound work of art.
A highly anticipated blockbuster has received five-star reviews from basically every publication.
What do you do?
A) You hold the views of certain critics in high esteem and therefore trust their judgement. The fact that they’ve given four and five-star reviews to films like Alien: Covenant, Transformers, Suicide Squad and various other terrible films doesn’t cross your mind at all.
B) Remain highly skeptical of early reactions, which always seem to claim a film is either on a par with the second coming of Christ or worse than an aggressive strain of gonorrhoea.
Answers
Mostly As: You are not an actual human being. You are a self-absorbed set of nerve-endings preserved in a massive pickle jar who feeds off the attention you receive for repeating whatever’s trending on Twitter. You also have horrendous taste in films and can’t see how your expectations for blockbusters have been gradually watered down over the years, to the extent that you think Bumblebee is actually good.
Mostly Bs: You’re probably a massive racist.