“It’s the best part of the Oscars,” says Geraldine Smythe, one of the event’s organisers responsible for packing the nominees’ goody bags. “No one really cares about the films; they just want to know what freebies we’ve given them. So this year we’ve really fucking gone for it.”
The 54-year-old events manager, who also works as a part-time cat groomer, opened up a sample bag in front of me and I could barely believe what she pulled out of it. “Yes, the severed head of a Lion-tailed macaque.
“This year’s ceremony is set to be the most progressive yet, so I wanted to include something to remind the nominees of our barbaric roots, hopefully signifying just how far we’ve come as an industry and species. The monkey heads given to the women will also double as pepper spray dispensers, which they’ll probably need for the after party.”
She then pulled out a screwdriver catalogue before explaining, “This is for them to read when they get bored during the Best Film in a Foreign Language and Best Documentary acceptance speeches. For the same reason I’ve also given them an iPad with Demolition Man pre-installed on it. Proper fucking film.
“And a hammer, for them to bludgeon their senses away whenever someone uses their speech to make a political statement or explain why we all need to become vegans or whatever.”
Some of the other things Geraldine pulled out of the goody bag included a Kalashnikov AK-47, three Kenyan children and two tickets to an intergalactic space show being held on Yomlong 7, hosted by James Corden.
After showing me the last of the pterodactyl eggs in the bag, she turned her attention to the nominees.
“We’re fully aware that things are different this year. These film stars are far more in touch with the common person and their concerns,” she added as she sprinkled fake unicorn dust on the labels of Don Perignon Champagne. “They are just so humble and grounded.”