The last time I genuinely marvelled at something was in my previous life as a common chaffinch. My mother had just finished regurgitating a delicious concoction of peanuts and spider torsos down my throat when a monumental ruckus broke out below our branch. It was a pair of tits (blue, if you’re asking) arguing over the construction of a nest. That wasn’t what I marvelled at, though. That came later.
The dispute between the two blue tits occurred because one of them criticised the architectural design of the nest, claiming it lacked originality and personality. “You’re only saying that because it was built by a woman,” argued the other tit. They spent several hours furiously tweeting at each other, dragging more and more of their friends into the argument until all that could be heard, and all that mattered, was how well this nest had been put together.
Whilst squatting over the edge of our branch to dispatch some unwanted berries at an unsuspecting human walking by, I took a look at the nest myself and, admittedly, what I saw was demonstrably uninspiring. It had been constructed in much the same way as every other nest in a 40-mile radius. But what was more concerning was how, despite it inexplicably taking 10 years to build, it was just a very basic assortment of twigs and Ferrero Rocher wrappers.
Some of the other tits had applauded the nest for its great sense of character and emotional warmth, which I found odd because ‘emotional’ is the last word I’d use to describe Brie Larson‘s performance. But anyway, the argument between the tits was brought to a dramatic and gory end when a tremendously lost bald eagle swooped down onto the nest and decapitated every tit in sight. It was a tit blood bird bath.
After the massacre, the bald eagle once again took flight and, as it soared over my head, blood rained from its Ra-like beak and painted the trees an unseasonable shade of red. The sun glistened off its feathers as it appeared to look down at me and hauntingly squawk, “two out of five stars, mate”.
And that was the last time I marvelled at something.
Captain Marvel is in UK cinemas March 8.