Godzilla has absolutely laid waste on the Cannes Film Festival, killing everyone present with his devastating atomic breath, it has been confirmed.
Proper film journalists and freeloading bloggers alike have been left charred beyond recognition, after the mammoth lizard bothered to make the trek to the French coastal city and end the lot of ‘em.
Hugo Deschamps, an eyewitness who watched the whole thing unfold from Antibes with a pair of binoculars while eating popcorn, said in French: “It was absolute carnage. My popcorn went everywhere.”
Only one person survived Godzilla’s relentless attack, American freelance journalist Abbi Miller, who managed to form a protective cocoon with the dead bodies of the the Once Upon A Time in Hollywood cast.
“I’m just utterly speechless, despite the fact I’m quite clearly talking to you now,” she said. “When I set up a GoFundMe page to get complete strangers to pay for my flight here, I never thought it would end like this.
“And burnt Leonardo DiCaprio fucking stinks.”
Other sites have quoted Godzilla himself as saying, in Japanese: “They’re just all cunts, alright? I mean, look at that Abbi girl I spared so she’d have to live with the trauma. She set up a GoFundMe page when what she really should have done was marked it as a business expense and paid for her own trip like every-fucking-one else.
“And I honestly couldn’t care less if Robert Eggers’ The Lighthouse is a four or five-star film, so I torched the lot of them so the rest of the world wouldn’t have to hear about it.
“You’re welcome.”