No, I haven’t seen X-Men: Dark Phoenix. I haven’t seen X-Men: Dark Phoenix because I was recently kidnapped by four men, taken to a laboratory and experimented on by mad scientists who replaced my bones with a fudge skeleton.
Other than instantly developing diabetes, the experiment left me with strange new skills, like the ability to ooze fudge out of the gaps between my fingers and squeeze my entirely mouldable body into a lunchbox. I’m also rich now, because I have an endless supply of fudge to sell.
It comes with its limitations, too. For example, if I go out in the sun I’ll go all soft and manky, like a piece of fudge that’s been left out in the sun. That’s also made it incredibly difficult for me to go and see X-Men: Dark Phoenix.
I do wonder – if I hadn’t been kidnapped by four men, taken to a laboratory, experimented on by mad scientists and had my skeleton turned into fudge – how much I would have enjoyed X-Men: Dark Phoenix, with its cautionary tale of mutants integrating themselves into society, like they have in Watford.
But of course, I wasn’t really kidnapped by four men, taken to a laboratory and experimented on by mad scientists who turned my skeleton into fudge. I just thought this was a better response to the person sat beside me at Hugh Jackman’s world tour show who bothered to ask such an absurd question.
No, I haven’t seen X-Men: Dark Phoenix, and I shall never see X-Men: Dark Phoenix.