The upcoming adaptation of Cats will almost entirely consist of famous people proudly washing their genitals with their tongues, it has been confirmed.
The film is said to be using groundbreaking technology that will allow the likes of Jason Derulo to properly fellate himself for a good two hours. Whoever that is.
A reliable-looking cat told CineWipe: “It fucking stunk on set. Honestly. Like warm ham.
“That’s pretty much all they do throughout the film, lick their bits or the neutered ball slit where their bits used to be.
“James Corden kept licking even when they weren’t filming.”
Another equally reliable-looking cat added: “They do occasionally take a break from noshing themselves, though.
“For instance, when Taylor Swift isn’t licking her balls she’s buggering off to her neighbour’s house and sleeping in the owner’s favourite chair. She then comes home expecting to be fed and shits on the kitchen work surface.
“And Dame Judi Dench claws at a ball on a string for at least twenty minutes.”