I haven’t seen the new horror film, which is excellent news for my imagination.
The Invisible Man is probably the best film I haven’t seen this month. Just yesterday, I spotted a tweet from one critic (I wouldn’t stoop so low as to read their full review) describing it as a ‘spine-chilling thriller’ and ‘properly scary’, even though they’ve presumably watched more than five films in their lifetime.
Meanwhile, someone else on Twitter named Claire said it was so good she’s thinking of seeing it a second time, and she’s not even mentally ill.
Impressive though these PR-friendly quotes may be, I can afford The Invisible Man an even greater compliment: I can confirm that it’s much better when you haven’t seen it.
The film, which sees Jeff Goldblum step into a giant spray tan machine, before having his DNA spliced with a fly and emerging as a mutant freak, is easily the best film I haven’t seen about a man stepping into a giant spray tan machine, having his DNA spliced with a fly and emerging as a mutant freak. At least I think it is. I haven’t seen it, as I said.
It’s one of those films that only improves in retrospect, with each scene I haven’t seen playing over and over in my mind, until the non-existent images embed themselves in my cortex crevices, like moist shit in the grooves of a Range Rover tyre.
My favourite scene is where Goldblum, having been transformed into a mutant fly freak, finds himself sitting on half a dill and prosciutto sandwich, rubbing his grubby front legs together like a pervert trying to start a fire, only to be chased around the room by a massive, rolled-up newspaper. “Ahhhh! Ahhhh!” he probably screams. It’s a fantastic piece of cinema.
The script, acting, directing, cinematography, editing, lighting, sound mixing and special effects are also infinitely better when you haven’t witnessed how bad they probably are. In fact, on that basis, I could go as far to say that The Invisible Man is one of the best films I’ve never seen, as I’m able to imagine absolutely anything other than what it actually is.
That is the liberating feeling I get to enjoy as a direct result of staying in and having four wanks, rather than going to the cinema where the coronavirus is almost certainly waiting for me.
The Invisible Man is in cinemas now.