Batman has a new gadget, and he’s not afraid to use it.
I don’t know anything about cars, and I most certainly can’t drive them, so Batman’s attempt to impress me with his new motor was a futile one.
On his day off, the vigilante had invited me to spend the evening in his Batcave, which I thought was a bit forward until he clarified it wasn’t a euphemism. Dressed in nothing but a silk red robe and his cowl, he took me down to his underground lair, where his new Batmobile was waiting on a self-rotating platform. The vehicle was lit by an erotic red spotlight and Barry White was blasting out of its sound system.
He told me various details about the car’s horsepower and the size of the engine, but my eyes glazed over in the exact same way they do whenever I watch cricket or a Marvel film. However, he did manage to take me by surprise with the mention of one particular feature.
The new Batmobile, it turns out, comes equipped with an actual fanny magnet, a device that quite literally pulls any nearby muff directly towards it.
“I just flick this switch and BOOM!” said the Caped Crusader. “The exterior of the vehicle will instantly become covered in the finest poon Gotham has to offer.”
He continued: “Superman is always giving me shit about not having actual superpowers, so when WayneTech, I mean BatmanTech, asked me what I’d like the new Batmobile to do, I had to think of something that would make me the most powerful superhero in the world.
“Not only has it exponentially improved my sex life, the sheer number of bodies magnetised to it creates the effect of a protective force field. They soak up all the bullets and cushion any crashes I might have. Just look at the paintwork. Not a single scratch!
“And if you get close enough to the bonnet you can still smell Catwoman.”