Film critics and unpaid bloggers around the world unanimously agree that every film they watch is also the best one ever made.
Professional film journalist Barry McFlapper said: “I saw Birds of Prey, The Invisible Man and Mulan the other day and, to be quite honest, I’m ready to die now.
“All three films were the best film ever made. I had such a profound, life-affirming, DNA-altering experience watching them that I’m now quite content shuffling off this mortal coil and passing over to another plane of existence, where I’m sure the cinematography won’t be as good as anything I saw in those devastatingly perfect films, which can also be described with other adjectives.
“When Mulan fought some witch thing that wasn’t in the original animation, I was so overwhelmingly impressed I spat on the head of man in front of me. When he turned around I screamed in his face, cried and then shat.
“I haven’t felt this way since yesterday when I gave Sonic The Hedgehog a two-hour standing ovation.”
Theresa Loaf, an estate agent who sometimes reviews films for her local newsletter, said: “I gave Mr Bean’s Holiday a standing ovation in my living room last night. It’s simply the best film ever made.
“And last week, after watching the Channel 4 network premiere of Deep Blue Sea, starring Mr. LL Cool J, I stood on my hands and clapped with my feet because I couldn’t think of any other way to express how good it was.
“It’s the best film ever made.”