An insufferable film wanker who rarely leaves the house anyway is pretending their life has been drastically changed by the government’s orders to self-isolate.
Nathanial Dryjeans, an unemployed 35-year-old who occasionally writes listicles for £25, has been working his way through every single film and TV show currently available on Disney+, as if that wasn’t always what he was going to fucking do.
“I’d usually be climbing up a mountain or kayaking through some rapids,” said Dryjeans. “But because of this coronavirus lark, I’m instead watching Mary Poppins for the 14th time.”
He continued: “Even though I’ve only been self-isolating for a week, I honestly think I’m starting to lose my mind.
“I’m such an outgoing person, so to be told I have to stay inside and binge-watch The Mandalorian is a real struggle for me. But I’m doing it for the NHS.
“Luckily, my bedroom just so happens to be set up in such a way that I won’t have to leave it for 18 months if necessary.”
His mum Caroline said: “He’s a smelly, lazy cunt who only leaves his room for chocolate and crisps. If he gets a cough it’s only because he’s been basking in his own arse fumes for the duration of every Marvel movie.
“To be quite honest, I wish he’d just get coronavirus.”