It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s CineWipe’s definitive ranking of 9 completely random films!
9. Twilight
I only managed a few minutes of the first Twilight film before I had to turn it off. I would say I was put off by that bit where Robert Pattinson starts sparkling in front of Kristen Stewart, but then I generally find all vampire films to be unwatchable.
8. Pokemon: The Movie
While I probably enjoyed this as a kid, I now heavily relate to my dad who was asleep for the duration of the picture. When he woke up, he had the look of a man whose time had been severely wasted. It had.
7. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter fans are definitely one of the most annoying groups of people, especially when they’re blocking my way at King’s Cross. If I had a chamber of secrets it’d be full with their corpses.
6. Kafka
The other day I transformed into a giant verminous bug, prompting my girlfriend to lock me in the bathroom. None of this happens to Jeremy Irons, but several years later he was forced to star in Batman v Superman, which sounds like just as much of a nightmare.
5. Cool Runnings
I once trained for several months to enter the Winter Olympics. Unfortunately, table tennis isn’t one of the sports they cover. So I can fully relate to the struggles of the 1988 Jamaican bobsleigh team.
4. Midsommar
Twitter is a bit like a cult. If you disobey the stringent laws set in place by Greta Gerwig t-shirt-wearers, you’ll be drugged, forced into conception, paralysed, stuffed inside a hollowed-out bear and then burnt to death. Florence Pugh was good in this.
3. Octopussy
Octopussy is probably the worst James Bond film, so therefore also the best. Whoever the next 007 is, they will never be able to top the moment Roger Moore pokes his cheeky little head out of a crocodile submarine. Whenever this scene comes up, the dog and I always point at the screen and laugh.
2. Hercules
Although wildly inaccurate (he should technically be called Heracles and there should also be a scene in which he bites Hera’s teat, leading to the creation of the Milky Way), this Disney classic is still highly watchable – even more so now I’ve found the DVD.
1. My Neighbour Totoro
My neighbour is a horrible bastard who refuses to follow social distancing rules and regularly blows his cigarette smoke onto my balcony. The only thing that comforts me is the knowledge that, like the characters in this classic Studio Ghibli anime, the angel of death will eventually find him.