Without hot running water, not even Gal Gadot can save Hollywood’s latest superhero-scented guff
I’ve been having problems with my plumbing for several months now. On an almost bi-daily basis, my morning shower is ruined by a lack of hot running water, which I can only bare long enough to partially rinse my armpits and the top of my size 11 feet. Unlike the modern, grizzly-looking men you find in hairdressers and cider adverts, I find myself completely unable to function if I’m not sufficiently cleaned in the AM. It’s for this reason that I fully sympathise with the cast and crew of Wonder Woman 1984, a production also severely hindered by numerous plumbing issues.
The release of the highly anticipated sequel was delayed three times as a result of faulty, on-set waterworks. Production first experienced major setbacks in March 2019 when a lack of hot water meant the cast were unable to have a shower after a sweaty action sequence. This was particularly a problem for lead star Gal Gadot, who suffers from a condition known as ‘Oil Skin’. Due to an overactive sebaceous gland, the actress has to shower six times a day, otherwise her clothes will slide right off. Filming had to be halted as a result, shortening the overall production time and causing a whole catering tent’s worth of food to go to waste.
At first, the on-set technical team suspected the lack of hot water to be caused by a leaking boiler with a broken internal component, such as a pump seal or pressure valve. Further inspection confirmed this, and it suddenly became obvious that the boiler pressure was dangerously high. The set was evacuated immediately. Meanwhile, a leak from the pump seal gushed over a lighting rig, causing 400 bulbs to malfunction.
These are just a few of the problems the production team encountered, and it’s clear to see how each one impacted the final product. With Gadot unable to shower and make numerous, vital costume changes, many of her scenes had to be computer generated. However, the CGI throughout the picture gives off the impression of being unfinished and rushed, which is likely down to the fact that the digital effects team couldn’t wash their hands.
The plot also suffers. Gadot’s Wonder Woman must stop a desperate businessman (Glenn Close), who magically acquires the ability to grant people their wishes, one of which involves Kristen Wiig inexplicably being transformed into a hairy pussy. Director Patty Jenkins does her best to piece together a semblance of a story, but the limited production time clearly gave way to a ‘that’ll do’ attitude, which is evident from the amount of plot holes, poorly constructed set pieces, and flies hovering around the actors’ heads.
And there’s Gadot’s performance. While she still commands the screen with her transcendent radiance, it’s clear to see that she was frozen rigid for many of her scenes, her stiffened, unrelaxed muscles not allowing her to properly emote in key moments, like when Steve Trevor mistakes a bin for a piece of modern art. If only she could have spent a few minutes under a high-pressure thermostatic shower.
What’s most important to remember, though, is that the people who make these films would never just churn out any old shit. Never. Every frame, plot choice and digitally-birthed pixel would be crafted with integrity and immense care if it weren’t for the fact that everyone on set smelt like three-day-old minge.