Film twat Ross McOven can’t contain his excitement for the reopening of cinemas on Monday – so much so that he’s already booked to see whatever absolute shite has unfurled from Hollywood’s arse.
Having severely missed the experience of sitting in a dark room that smells vaguely of first-date handjobs, Ross couldn’t wait to book his tickets for the first available screenings of Peter Rabbit 2, Maya the Bee 3 and a twenty-ninth fucking Saw film.
“Not a single film coming to cinemas in the next few months looks even remotely worthy of taking two hours of my life, but I couldn’t care less,” said Ross. “I have absolutely no standards whatsoever.
“I can’t wait to watch Black Widow or Venom 2 or whatever bollocks Marvel and DC churn out next. I’m fully ready to embrace mediocrity again.
“This pandemic has actually saved me about £500 on cinema tickets, which is probably enough money to make an Oscar-worthy indie film of my own, but I’d much rather pay a monthly subscription to watch a gorilla twat a lizard on the big screen.
“I’ve also booked a single seat for Demon Slayer: Mugen Train. I have absolutely no idea what that is, but who gives a fuck. Cinema is back, baby!”