A 36-year-old woman has implored everyone to stop admiring Scarlett Johansson, despite printing off an A1 poster of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth and cramming it up her minge.
Claire Cottonbuds recently took to Twitter to share her disgust after several million people drew attention to Johansson’s attractiveness, even though she’s currently dissolving a paper hunk in her fanny juices, like some sort of sex-crazed spider from a pornographic parody of The Lord of the Rings.
“I just don’t want to be reminded that balding, middle-aged men are still interested in sex,” said Claire. “Unless you’ve got a full head of hair and massive arms, you repulse me.
“I’m so tired of people commenting on Scarlett’s world-renowned allure. It’s so creepy – unlike having a vast library of Thor images that I can send to the nearest printer whenever I feel the urge to stuff myself silly. Sometimes I frame them first.
“Actually, I might attach a laminated picture of Chris’s face to my Mjölnir replica, run an electrical current through it and fob myself off until I go colour blind.”